Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
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I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize