Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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