eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
