Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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