i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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