I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
