My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
