Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
