Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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