i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
