My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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