she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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