that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
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I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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