Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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