She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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