I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
