omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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