i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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