oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
