you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
