I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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