I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
