why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
