Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
