So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
