In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
