your parents love me but you hate me
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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