Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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