Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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