When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
