The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Sext me about skeletons
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
