Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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