do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
