sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
