Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
