You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
