from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
