Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
