I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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