Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
