We won't sleep together?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
