plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
