I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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