LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
