Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
