shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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