i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
