Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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