grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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