i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
