Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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