i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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