omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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