She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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