I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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