A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
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Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
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I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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